Pica Pica Service Update July '08

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:28:19 +0700

I did the whole dropping off the internet thing recently to work on my fiction and my writing. I also managed to sort my (frankly dire) financial situation out and have moved house. I am now a South Londoner, and frankly although my new area is much more salubrious, with less drunks and gangs - my god it's dull. And I find young professionals terrifying. Everything I hated about students (when I was one) but without the charming apathy. It's all fake smiles and enthusiasm and grown up stuff.I wish never to grow up. I now have a better paid job as a tourguide on London open top buses and have much more time to spend on the things I like. I also have some money and may be giving my wardrobe a bit of an update...nothing too flashy but maybe something a little more feminine than before. My new room is slowly getting more flowery and pretty and the sky is blue. So good happiness all round. I am going to spend tonight writing articles for this site. So expect updates.

The Story Of Pica Pica

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 15:45:25 +0700

A little while ago I had the thought that one way to androgyny may have something to do with an innate male or female grammar being missing in (some) androgynes. A male grammar makes it easy to learn and accept male norms, and a female vice-versa. That a TS may have the wrong type of internal grammar and so not internalise the gender lessons being taught to them, that a bigendered androgyne may have both, and an ungendered androgyne have none.

I want to take this model as truth for this little bit of postulation. (A word I very much like, and may be using wrong. I am, oh well – sod it.)

So little Pica is born without an internal gender grammar…making them have no fixed anchor as male or female.

But little Pica has a little pecker, so little Pica learns he is male. There is no problem with this; he has no anchor as male or female. Pica learns how to be male. (And this is where the story could have ended, and I think for many ‘born’ androgynes it does).

However, little Pica also is dyspraxic, or in some way heavily uncoordinated, ungainly and un-something-else. This means he can’t really join in with the boys, never learns to compete, and daydreams and plays with the girls instead.

After a time, Pica is just one of the girls. There is no problem with this; she has no anchor as male or female. And a kid can play how they like.

Puberty arrives, and Pica’s body asserts its masculinity. Pica just learns to accept the idea that he is a feminine male. There is no problem with this; he has no anchor as male or female. Anyway, having moved to a new town, struggling against his religion and coping with everything changing – there are more important things.

This carries on and Pica solves the religious problems and turns to the future and ambitions. Pica goes to university.

There Pica starts wearing women’s underwear and pyjamas. Pica’s housemates accept this as an oddity of Pica’s. Pica knows this is strange, but he doesn’t really care – because he has no anchor as male or female and the clothing is only an issue if people make it one.

At the end of university, Pica gets a (poor) degree, Pica’s plans all full through. Pica finds himself moving back in with his parents in a dull restrictive life in a dull restrictive town. Pica gets a small job, it is dull and restrictive. Pica feels trapped and unable to express anything.

Pica joins an online 3d chat service as a female. Pica has conversations that can’t be had in dull town or job. Pica also feels that he is talked to in the manner that he wishes people would talk to him.

Pica’s grandparents die. Three in a month. Everything goes topsy-turvy and Pica needs to express himself. He turns feverishly to the 3d chat, he even starts to fall in love with a comforter believing him to be female.

Pica starts to think, maybe I am female. There is no problem with this, she has no anchor as male or female, and besides, she has felt female before. Tension starts to build inside, and envy and depression. (Even if a lot of this is grief and the feeling of being trapped.)

Eventually this all blows up, Pica tells good friends, family and GP. Friends and family tell Pica that they don’t agree. Family threaten to disown Pica, she rethinks. She reads a lot of a TG forum (not this one) and doesn’t quite feel right. She watches a streamed programme about a TS, and spends most of the time telling the screen, ‘what you doing that for you wally’. She reads about psychological androgyny but doesn’t relate, it seems too unfocussed. A dump bin for ‘others’.

Pica walks the dog one day, feels a sense of calm they hadn’t for a while. It dawned on them that a lot of the pressure had come since they decided they were female, now they’ve let it go, that stress is gone.

Period of peace and unquestioning.

Pica starts to wonder what ‘that’ had been about. Research resumes. Discovers Susan’s and its more comprehensive androgyne section. Pica starts to understand that part of themselves…

Pica moves to London, trapment ended…

New Years Eve in a North London Pub

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 15:39:26 +0700

So, it is new years eve, 11.30. Tommorow will be horrible. Arsenal vs West Ham. We are getting rid of glasses, wooden chairs, anything that can be used in a (possibly inevitable) brawl. The boss is pouring a pint, a shot and getting a glass for champagne ready. The pub is empty but for the die-hard locals and the teens who never knew better. Our pub is one where nights are started, not climaxed. Adam, one of my Polish mates informs me that civilised Europe had new year an hour ago. Bong go the big ben bells (a few miles away but on the telly) the staff drink and cheer and for once us and the regular customers are one. Celebrating the new year. We watch the fireworks by the London Eye (“That’s a million of our money going up in smoke” one says. And he’s right, it is.) Then we serve again and tidy the pub for tomorrow’s game. When we are done we get ratarsed and I walk home singing. Happy New Year.

- Pica's Blog

Pica Pica Service Update July '08

The Story Of Pica Pica

New Years Eve in a North London Pub